It feels as though the issue of carrying labels has become an area of increased discussion, and I’m finding that these conversations are weighted heavily on the side of disapproval, supported with what seems to me, an incongruent suggestion that people should instead “just be themselves.” In this post, I’m going to put forth the other side of the argument, the argument that says self-identified labels have value.
I can specify that I’m looking for a liquid food that is to be served hot and that it is to have a combination of diced cooked vegetables and meat, or I can say soup. But even with a soup label, I’m still going to be looking for further qualifiers, additional labeling, because of allergies, or simply because of my preferences. The soup label also helps me to know which aisle in the supermarket I will most likely find what I’m looking for. The soup label has helped me to narrow my search.
Elsewhere, I have talked about the various myriads of coupling, attraction, identity, sexuality, and gender, and with such a minefield of various attributes that make up who we are and who we are seeking, it seems logical to me that we have a common understanding for describing what it is we are pursuing, what is outside of our interest, what is the dynamic/interaction we are hoping for, and what attributes (in this context) in ourselves we consider important. And this is what labeling provides.
The value in labels, then, is that it provides some sort of framework or specification, and if it is to provide a level of confidence, then truth in labeling must be part of the mix. If within the community in my earliest connections, I rely on self-identified labels, and I do, then I must rely on the labels that are applied as being honest. This is relevant not just for those who may be looking for a romantic interest but also for those of us who are looking for like minds or just simple conversation. I admit that the level of engagement, tone, language, and even the type of content that I will entertain is greatly influenced by labels. I do not believe that this adaption of communication is ungenuine, but rather it is instead my attempt to avoid misunderstanding.
The bounty of labeling options available can be extremely difficult to navigate. Starting with finding the ones that we elect to apply to ourselves. Even if we don’t consider all of the lesbian identities, just within the B-F community of Butch, Soft Butch, Femme, high-femme, Stud, OFOS, Stone, MOC, Queer… the list is exhausting, and this is even before we begin to add relationship pointers such as Daddies, grrls/bois, tops, bottoms, subs, switches, Dom’s, etc. Understanding the meaning and nuances of each label takes time; exact definitions are not always universally agreed upon, and as we begin to find ones that we believe are representative, changes brought from greater awareness of self and community may result in adopted labels being discarded in favor of new ones.
I have seen a B-F community that is accepting of any label/s a member may choose to carry; I have also rarely witnessed a harsh reaction from others when mislabelling has occurred from confusion over definition. However, it is when there is a deliberate intent to deceive, for whatever reason, that offense is taken, and animosity arises.
While there are labels that indicate perhaps a certain type of presentation (Dandy/Dapper Butch comes to mind), most labels do not always imply something that can be recognized in a photo; not all labels bring with them required physical characteristics, i.e., short hair and a plaid shirt does not suggest butch any more than earrings, and shaped eyebrows equate to femme, and so in the earliest connections, we are reliant on what the label is telling us. Of course, over time, we develop our own read, but in the first stages, it is the labels that start us on the journey.
Using deceptive labels for orchestrating a bait and switch, to attract a particular someone, or because we are just trying it on for size, I believe, is where the argument about labels should be focused, for if honesty prevails, “just being ourselves” is exactly the type of transparency that labeling can offer.
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